March 7, 2003 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE.

bigtips

My girlfriend got pregnant 'the old-fashioned way'

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

I just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. This would make sense since we've been working with a sperm bank doing donor insemination attempts for over a year and a half. What doesn't make sense is that we stopped about two months ago, because we were running low on money.

Apparently my girlfriend wasn't as okay with that as she told me, because she went out

and did it "the old fashioned way. "She picked up a guy at a bar, had a one-night stand, and now she's one month pregnant. I'm horrified because she risked her health, we don't know anything about this guy's health or family history, and mostly, she went and did something that stole my part of this sacred, intimate pro-

cess.

I don't even want to go into my feelings about her having sex with someone else. This should be so exciting,

and she's just presenting this as her getting business taken care of, and I'm heartbroken, and I can't imagine feeling good about this child. How can I come to a good place about this, and the baby?

She's Having My Baby-Not

Dear Be My Baby,

You can break up with her, or you can get over it. This has nothing to do with the child, and if you think you will be bitter and resentful, you need to seriously consider whether or not you can parent that kid.

Here's what I'm thinking. Yeah, she went behind your back. Yeah, she threw herself open to disease and the genetic crap-shoot that most people encounter when making a baby "the old fashioned way."

That said, really, how romantic was the insemination process after the first, second or third time? A lot of folks who were lighting blessed candles and raising a cone of positive energy the first time find themselves in a parking lot on the tenth try with their feet up on the dashboard because they're ovulating, and that's the only time they have. It's not very sexy, and since it's not your genetic material anyway, who cares?

Ultimately, your child is your child because you love it and raise it, and if you have the opportunity to be at its birth, that's great, but it's a tiny, tiny part of the lifetime of parenting you're embarking on.

The issue, of course, is that your girlfriend went behind your back. I think you know already what it's like to try to stand in the way of someone whose clock is ticking. I also don't think it really counts as her having sex in a cheating way, since her motivation wasn't sexual. I do, however, think you have every right to tell her you won't have sex with her without a barrier until enough time has passed and she's been screened for STDs.

I won't go far into the fact that she involved a guy without his consent, but I have the feeling that she isn't planning on telling him, and that's a mess you'll both need to deal with.

If you have access to any information about your kid's other birth parent, the child will eventually want that information, and that guy will most likely be pissed. He will have a biological child that you denied him knowledge of, and that's awful. I'd have a serious talk with her about how to deal with that.

That all said, there are a lot of ways to get a baby, but the only thing that matters is how you love it and raise it once it's there. Congratulations and good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

My boyfriend is spicy in the sack, but a big slice of white bread in the kitchen. He has actually been known to cut a clove of garlic in half and only use one half in spaghetti sauce. I have never seen him use the pepper on the table, and last night dinner was macaroni and cheese made by boiling macaroni and melting a few slices of American cheese

on it.

I'm no chef, but I've been known to crush a few coriander pods in my day. I don't want to hurt his feelings,

BIG TIPS

but I'm not very happy when it's his night to cook, and God forbid it's a night we're having company. Any suggestions?

What's Next, Water Soup?

Dear Like Water For Dinner,

Yes: cookbooks. Do you guys like to go out to eat? You don't want to be too pointed about criticizing things he already makes, so maybe you can propose making something new that you've enjoyed in a restaurant.

You could make some Thai food, or some potstickers, or a new Italian dish. It doesn't have to be fancy or difficult, but if you learn something new together, you'll have fun and

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you'll both add to your spice and cooking technique repertoires.

A great web site for recipes is epicurious.com. They have an incredible database, and all of the recipes are reviewed by folks who make them, so you have a running commentary on the deliciousness and ease of preparation of each entry.

When I wanted to make a pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving, and my girlfriend gently informed me that, historically, my crust wasn't

Jeffrey Mostade, PCC, NCC

all that great (the truth hurts), I perused about fifty recipes and found several pies that turned out wonderfully. Your boyfriend may just need a little exposure to stretch his culinary horizons. ✓

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